Jacob Wrestling

I thought this would be easier. You know?

He says, Ask! and it shall be given to you!

I asked. I got on my knees on the grey library carpet, in the windowed corner, one afternoon after choir practice.

There are about six weeks left in this lifetime. There is so much I haven’t said yet.

I remember the last day in Costa Rica, all he said was My grace is sufficient.

(I’m flipping the pages of my Bible, and every verse I read applies to everything I’m thinking, and I’m crying –

– because there was a time I painted blue walls white and “let me dream for you” echoed and did it get better than that?)

There’s the blond kid in choir who makes me laugh, and he still hasn’t heard from me about Jesus. We’re not even friends yet.

I prayed on the library floor, God, am I trying too hard? Am I not trying hard enough? What am I doing wrong?

When did I start to focus on Your will, on the ‘results,’ instead of on You?

Because ultimately, all I want is God.

Yes, “our light and momentary troubles are achieving… a glory that far outweighs all;” yes, “let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap…” but mostly this, what I wrote in Costa Rica:

“I want to serve, not out of a love for the people or for the place, but out of love for God and a desire to be where he is at work.” That is fully enough.

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